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March 17th, 2006
March 3rd, 2006
So I totally Fagged out:
There's only one real thing that will make my day get off to a bad start, and the tart little Brintey Spears/Teen Pop Star Wannabe this morning during my local routine did just that.
You see, I'm a fan, no a big fan, no actually a huge fan of my every day morning cuppa. It's part of my ritual of emerging from metro, stepping across the street and joining in line. I like my first sip, with the fresh city air/smog wind as I step out the door. It makes me happy.
Now, when someone interrupts this process, I tend to not have such a good morning. Ergo, here are my rules.
1) It's coffee, yes I know that your super-duper venti triple half caf, dry, extra shot 2 percent caramel apple mocha latte is important to you. But it should be important enough to remeber and know exactly what you want. I prefer "venti drip" but like I said, it's coffee.
2) When the local starbucks attempts to expidite the long lines by having someone pre-order your drink, don't scoff...just wait in line for the register, pay and pick it up. It means that your drink will be hot and ready when paying. It also ensures that my coffee will be hot too, and I like it that way.
3)Just like knowing your drink, KNOW THE DAMN PRICE and have your money available. My venti drip is $1.98. I have my two dollar bills out of my wallet and hand it over. I'm not gonna touch the debate about math skills in America, that can come later, but we all love and understand the concept of money. Also, you don't need to use your Amex for three dollars, plan in advance kids.
4) If you need to dress your drink by adding sugar/artificial sweetener and or more milk, then you also need to know how to fix it. Debating over the turbindino versus the splenda shouldn't be very important. The first is raw sugar, the second is a no calorie artificial sweetener. I want my chance at the half-and-half for my coffee. Again, know your preference.
5) Under no circumstances should you ever, ever, ever dig through your change purse to find enough money. If you can't pay for the super duper latte, then don't order it. I don't care if you're scrounging through the bottom pile of lint in your knock off Louis Vuitton Purse that you bought on the sidewalk.
Now, I understand that some mornings may be made a little bit more groggy than others because of last nights debauchery; however, espressly to the aforementioned Britney wannabe, "IT SHOULD TAKE ABSOLUTLY LESS THAN ONE MINUTE OF INTERACTION WITH THE CASHIER TO GET YOUR DRINK PAID FOR."
You see, miss thing broke all of the rules this morning, causing a delay in my expected happiness. I don't mean one, I mean all of them. And while I've scouted out the locations within a four block radius of my office, I've found the one that I prefer. I know that I can go to others, but this particular shop is part of my moring happiness ritual.
So let it be stated that these are now the rules. Any violation will result in me shredding that knock off bag of yours, quickly retooling it into a cat-o-nine tails, and flogging you to within an inch of your life.
We thank you for shopping at Starbucks.
February 3rd, 2006
Guide to Gay Bar Behavior for Straight Girls:
Let me preface this entire conversation though by saying there are actually a good number of straight girls that I LOVE to have in my bar. They are the ones who are laid back and chill. They know how to behave and have a good time without making a spectacle of themselves. I don't have a problem with straight girls.
That being said.... just like Pavlov's dog, experience has taught me to react poorly when I see a straight girl walk up to the bar (or worse a group of them). I have had enough bad experiences that immediately I begin to cringe a little inside thinking of all the possible things that could face me for the evening.
So to help build a bridge of understanding I'd like to offer Mr. Bartenders Guide to Gay Bar Behavior for Straight Girls:
We are not here for your entertainment:
You are not going to the circus or the zoo - the gay boys are not a spectacle or a novelty here for your entertainment. If you see two boys flirting or kissing, please do not point and/or laugh. If you want to go to a gay bar to be entertained by the fags - please just stay home. One time I was out at JRs and this girl insisted on going into the guy's restroom because she wanted "to see what you boys do in there". You know what I do in a bathroom? I pee. Shocking I know...
Do not expect special treatment:
I know that you are daddy's little princess, but here you're out ranked by a bar full of queens. Lose the attitude. Oh and stop flaunting your breasts, they don't work here. Do not use them to try and score free drinks from either the bartender or the other customers. Oh and since you're now buying your own drinks - remember to tip, it's rude not to.
Do not try to play matchmaker:
Yes I know that you have a hot friend who is gay, but that does not mean he's right for every cute guy you see out at the gay bar. Gay attraction is more complex than gay man + gay man = perfect match. Gay men can be quite finicky bitches when it comes to dating and unless your gay friend ASKS you to approach a guy on his behalf, don't even think about it. In fact, if he does ask you to do it I'd caution him against it. Personally I'm much more likely to talk to a guy who has the balls to come over to me himself instead of sending someone in to break the ice.
Be aware of space limitations:
Bars tend to get quite packed & crowded on busy nights, gay bars are no exception. Sure our bars may play better music but if you're not on the dance floor - don't dance. No one wants you bumping into them and spilling their cocktail. And trust me, if I have to watch you mimicking the latest slutty-teen-pop-superstar I'm gonna need all the booze I can get. Take it to the dance floor, if there's no dance floor- don't dance. Oh and if you know you're going to a crowded bar, leave your supersized purse at home. No one wants to keep getting hit with that thing every time you turn around.
Don't be homophobic:
Yes I know this one should be a no brainer, but sadly it's not. I can understand how you may get upset with a someone at the bar. I know for a fact that some gay men can be complete dicks and deserve a good ol' insult hurled their way. But please do not resort to calling someone a fag. There are plenty of other insults at your disposal - you do not need to chose the cheap and easy route that will inevitably piss off all the other guys at the bar. Also if someone assumes you're a lesbian or you get hit on by a girl, don't get all offended. Oh and please do not make it a point to inform everyone that you are not a lesbian. Really we don't care, if we do - we'll ask.
Flirt with the gay boys wisely:
Remember there's a difference between someone flirting and someone just being a dumb ass. I'm always up for someone throwing a compliment my way even if its from someone with whom I have no interest. I appreciate it if you tell me I have beautiful eyes, or a good smile - to that I say thank you. I will take that compliment. I do not appreciate you asking me "are you sure you're gay???" because yes I am sure - I am very gay, I have references. Or worse yet "what? you're gay? that's such a shame" - no it's not a shame and it's not a waste, I love being gay. Hell it prevents me from dating girls who would say stupid comments like that!
Get out of your head voice:
There is nothing more annoying to me when bartending than that one high and shrill voice that carries through the din of drunken conversations and loud music and pierces right through my ear. If your speaking voice is like Janice from Friends you need to take it down a couple notches (or a hundred). Remember you vocal cords are in your throat, not your head.
Above all, relax and don't be obnoxious:
I understand how sometimes it's fun for you to escape getting hit on by straight men and just want to let your hair down and have fun. That's great. But not having to impress a straight guy does not excuse you from having to behave yourself. Out of control drunks are annoying, even more so when they don't have a penis and you can't take advantage of their intoxicated state. Ladies, we love having you at our bar, but please just be laid back, chill and fun. No one wants to have to babysit the straight girl when we're trying to get laid...
That's all I have for the moment...anyone have anything to add?
for Ex Nihlo/Whitman 22:
Greensboro, (N.C.) — Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner John Swofford announced today that a foul is tentatively scheduled to be called against Duke sometime in the first half of their game with UNC in Chapel Hill, next Tuesday, February 7th.
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January 26th, 2006
December 30th, 2005
Here's wishing everyone out there a joyous, prosperous and all around great 2006. Happy New Year!
December 16th, 2005
Holiday Party Tour from Hell:
Once again its that time of year...Holiday parties
Under 7 Soccer team I coach 6:30-7:30 with visit from Santa
Annual Scorpio's non birthday holiday celebration 8:00 until
Renegades Rugby Party
Neighborhood Bartenders schtick
Local Homo DNC Fundraising Apparatus Meet and Greet
Wake Forest Area Alumni Senior Reception
Check into the betty!
have a good weekend y'all and hope you're as festive as I!
December 15th, 2005
Merry something or other:
After meeting with an attorney today and his advice, I want to say to all of you:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of other, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the United States great (not to imply that the United States is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only United States in the western hemisphere) and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishee.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification and withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.*
* this wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting.
My very best regards,
ps...pilfered from an email, but again just fun to share.
Current Mood: quixotic
December 13th, 2005
Seven in Seven:
From across the pond, Uncle Bob tagged me. It was email.These answers took a lot longer to come up with than I thought. Who knew navel-gazing required such good eyesight?
7 things I plan to do before I die:
1) quit a job spontaneously
2) have a knee replacement surgery
3) conduct a symphony orchestra
4) hike the appalachain trail in its entirety
5) get published
6) watch the AFI's top 100 films
7) be crowned emperor in the supreme court
7 things I can do:
1) dislocate both shoulders at will
2) take a field hockey penalty stroke
3) read music
4) make chocolate truffles from scratch
5) have a mean poker face
6) read a harry potter book in 24 hours (the big new ones)
7) make damn good coffee
7 things I cannot do:
1) suppress a church giggle
2) see without corrective lenses
3) care about the olsen twins
4) remember birthdays
5) play golf
6) not be judgmental
7) take penicillin
7 things that attract me to the [opposite of my] opposite sex:
3) laugh at my jokes
4) give good hugs
5) short hair
6) eat more than a salad--no dressing
7) can drink like the bush twins
7 things that I say most often:
1) jack and diet
2) yes double
4) you're nasty
5) have a good day
6) see ya
7) tot ziens
7 celebrity crushes:
1) Matthew McConaughey
2) Michael Chiarelli
3) John King
4) Colin Farrell
5) Eliza Dushku
6) Bill Hemmer
7) Maggie Gyllenhaal
7 people I want to do this (no one I've tagged should feel obligated. But you should really do it, since I don't usually tag just anyone.) Order does not indicate preferential treatment.
Current Mood: creative
Current Music: various holiday
October 6th, 2005
Supreme Court Nominee:
Ok ok, I know its wrong, but seeing as how Harriet Miers graduated from Southern Methodist University with an undergraduate degree in Math. I just can't help from wondering...
Alright I know she can count to:
One: apple eaten by Eve, rib taken from Adam
Two: number of animals of each sex on the ark with Noah
Three: Natures of Christ: Man, God, Holy Ghost
Seven: Days of Creation
Ten: Plagues on Egypt
Twelve: Apostles of Christ
Forty: Days/nights of the flood, years the Hebrews wanders, days spent by Christ with the Devil
But after that does it just go to Multitudes? I don't personally know anyone who studied math at Southern Methodist University so this question really has been burning in my mind. Any thoughts?